6 posts tagged “motherhood”
I need help to help myself. I am not a patient person. I have tried for the last year to be a more patient person, a more gentle and quiet person but I have failed. So for the whatever year in a row, I'm adding that to my list of things I want to do in the New Year... again.
I need to undo my personality and become someone else. How do I do this?
I am realizing, as the time is coming for my sister to go back home, that I am a lonely mother.
It's not that my kids aren't great company but it's that I want someone like my sister around all the time. I like having the mix of grown-up and child conversations throughout my day. I like having someone who can sympathize with me and someone who I can laugh with.
To me, being a stay at home mom is a wonderful, wonderful thing but it's very solitary. And maybe it's just that I'm doing it wrong but I just can't seem to find happiness in my solitude.
So come Wednesday afternoon, I'm going to be lonely again. I don't like being lonely...
"we were rich once, before your head exploded. imagine doing just what the big bang did..."
Sometimes that Breeders song sticks in my head and I can't get it out. I sing the chorus part over and over again and then at the end of it I sometimes insert the word "bitch" because when I saw the Breeders in 1994, Kim Deal added that word to the end when they sang that song. I don't know why but I really liked that song back in the day.
I find myself saying that like over and over again but it has nothing to do with grunge or twentysomething angst. It has everything to do with my ever-battling two-and-a-half year old twins.
Kate the Great and Jake my Teacake fight over and about everysinglelittlething you can imagine. I have even resorted to reading a discipline book that was HIGHLY recommended by the twins club. I use to teach parenting classes in my days before children. My past clients should all kick me really hard in the shins. I think I made parenting by the book sound so easy. Now that I am a mother and I am struggling with the fact that I can't even control two 2 year olds, I feel like anyone who teaches parenting classes should be required to have kids. Everything I learned in school and in continuing education classes and at work cannot be applied to parenting here at home. I have tried. I feel like a failure...
Hopefully after reading this book I will be a saner and calmer mother. But for now, I just want the kids to get along.
It was a better day today. Yes it was. The kids had a playdate with another 2 year old. They had fun and made a new friend. I got to hold 3 month old twins again and I can honestly say WOW! I miss how tiny my babies were... but I just don't think I could go through that again. My friend Elise wants to have another child after her twins. I just don't know if I could handle it. Although I have had 2 psychics tell me that I am going to have three children, a boy and two girls. The target date is June 2008. We'll see. I should say that the advice was unsolicited. They just felt compelled to warn me, I guess.
My son just asked me for the Wiggles. He has NEVER EVER EVER seen the Wiggles before in his entire life. Why would he ask me for them now?
I have had no real time to blog. I have been writing for NaNoWriMo and just taking care of the kiddos, oh and preparing for the dia de los muertos dinner at my church, things are a wee bit settled now though. Last week the kids were majorly thrown off schedule due to the time change. It was just kinda weird. Monday I was supposed to have a play group but it didn't happen.
Tuesday we had a picnic with sweet_pickles and B. We went to Hap Magee and the kids had a great time. It was also Halloween. We ended up taking the kids trick-or-treating but only to like 4 houses and then we came back to our house. We didn't have very many trick-or-treaters at all. I kinda hoped that the only group of like six kiddos would have taken all of the candy. They didn't. DAMN! There was only one buy back in the newspaper too and I missed it.
Wednesday, I went to a mothers together group. It was at this church. Seriously, I walked in and I was immediately approached by 3 women all welcoming and atwitter with excitement that I was there for the first time. I only went because my friend Elise said she wanted me to go, she thought I would like it. I got to a Presbyterian Church in Hayward. The church I go to is considered "more light" which means more accepting of a lot of things that the aforementioned church is not. We prayed 4 times within the first half hour. And they really really have faith. I have never been in a room with people who spoke so freely, suggesting that God was just naturally with them at all times. They seemed so firm in their beliefs, it kinda scared me. At my church we don't talk like they do. So anyway the conclusion is that God will tell and show me everything my kids need and I will, just by nature of being their mother and God's humble servant, give it to them. Uh-huh. I'm not going to knock people who have this intense faith. Maybe it's a good thing, for me it was just totally different. At the end of the session they asked if we wanted to offer up any people's names who we wanted to pray for, one woman mentioned herself as she was having problems with her thyroid. I mentioned my neighbor who was going into the hospital to have surgery to have cancer removed from his body. The third woman asked for prayer because they were selling their house and wanted it to sell within a month. WHAT?!?!?! And who do you think got the biggest Amen. Uh, yeh. Then the small group facilitator talked to the woman with the house about how it was obvious she had God with her. I kept thinking, is God not with me, is it not obvious? Anyway, after that I had lunch with my friends John and Ralph and talked some CHN business. And John is the pastor of my church and I told him we should start a mothers group of our own. He agreed. We'll see how that goes. Then I went to the groceries. Came home and wrote a little bit.
Thursday was Dia De Los Muertos. We hung out at home and then about 530pm we went to my church. We had a decent turnout. We all shared stories and pictures and food. It was a great time.
Friday was a major chill day.
Yesterday I went to Walnut Creek to go to the Hallmark store. It was so crowded. I just went and bought my holiday cards and got the frick out of there. It was horrible! There were so many people there and the parking is just getting worse and worse. Afterward we went to Target and then to see the MIL. We took the kids to Mohr park in P-Town and then we went and got burritos at El Balazo.
It's been quite a week and I'm hoping that the babies will finally get use to the time change. This waking up at 6am is keeling me!
What did you think you would never ever do... but did?
Submitted by Murky.
I never ever thought I would find someone who understood me. I never thought I would be a wife or a mother. I never thought I would be college educated. I never thought I would do a lot of things. I never even thought I would live to be 21 since I was a brooding 18 year old.... Oh so emo but I don't think we called it that in 1991.
Now, I am educated, I am a wife, I'm a mother, I'm 33 years old and I'm completely and utterly looking forward to turning 100 years old with my beautiful husband by my side...
